What Couples Get Wrong About “Talking About Money”.
Most couples know they should talk about money more.
But in reality, life is busy, and most couples don’t set aside regular, intentional time to talk about money at all. Conversations tend to happen reactively — often only when something feels off, stressful, or urgent. And frequently on the fly.
And aside from that, there’s another thing going on behind the scenes complicating the dynamic.
When couples do talk about money, look at accounts, review spending, or even try to agree on a plan, the same tension keeps showing up. The friction doesn’t disappear; it just changes form.
Most money conflict in relationships has very little to do with numbers.
It comes from the fact that each person enters the relationship carrying a different money story — and a different money personality — shaped long before they ever met.
Those stories form early.
From what you watched growing up.
From whether money felt scarce, unpredictable, tightly controlled, or barely discussed at all.
Over time, those experiences shape how you relate to money as an adult:
What feels responsible
What feels risky
How much structure you need
How you make decisions
That becomes your “money personality”.
So when couples clash over spending, saving, or planning, they’re rarely disagreeing about the “right” choice.
They’re operating from two different internal rulebooks that are unconsciously driving their behavior.
For example, one partner may associate safety with structure, predictability, and knowing exactly where things stand. The other may associate safety with lack of flexibility, lack of freedom, and feeling boxed in.
Neither is wrong — but without understanding those differences, couples start assigning meaning where it doesn’t belong.
Money conversations turn into character judgments:
“You’re irresponsible.”
“You’re too controlling.”
“You don’t care about the future.”
This is why simply “talking about money more” doesn’t solve the problem.
Real progress starts when money stops being treated as a moral issue — and starts being treated as a translation issue.
When partners understand their own money personality — and recognize their partner’s — something shifts.
Instead of:
“Why do you always do that?”
It becomes:
“Ah — that’s why this feels important to you.”
That understanding doesn’t eliminate disagreement. But it does remove the personal charge — and that’s what makes real communication possible.
Creating a Shared Way to Talk About Money
Understanding money stories and money personalities is the foundation — but it’s not meant to stay theoretical.
One of the most effective ways to reduce ongoing friction is to create a regular, intentional quiet space to talk about money together. Not just when something feels wrong, but as a way of staying aligned.
Start by talking about background and context, not numbers, such as:
What money felt like growing up
Who handled it — and how
What caused stress or conflict in your household
What made you feel safe (or unsafe) around money
From there, move on to simple, recurring money check-ins. These don’t need to be complicated or rigid, and they shouldn’t be treated like “performance reviews”. Things you might include:
Reviewing where accounts, savings, and debt stand
Making sure nothing looks off or unexpected
Talking through upcoming expenses or changes
Checking in on individual and shared goals — short-term and long-term
And how each of you feel about things
At the end of the day, money is a tool.
Its purpose is to help you enhance your life and support the things that matter most to you.
When money conversations are centered around your individual and shared dreams — what you’re working toward, what you want your life to look like, and what’s important to you — the numbers start to feel like a piece of the process, not the entire focus, and so become less charged.
It’s a time to look at how your money is currently helping you achieve your goals, and talk about what adjustments, if any, might be needed to better support them. Or shift your goals altogether. You start to feel more like a unified team than sparring partners.
And if you aren’t partnered, regular money check-ins and understanding your own Money Personality can be immensely helpful in re-aligning your money management strategy so it works with you — not against you.
Curious to learn more?
If you’re curious what your own Money Personality is — or you’d like to improve communication around money with a partner — I offer a Money Personality assessment that includes a report and a one-hour session to interpret your results and help you incorporate them into how you manage your money. Have a look, and set up a time to chat if you’re interested in learning more.